Unbridled 39

Lin Zhan's hug was quick; before Lin Wuyu could react, he had already stepped back. Lin Wuyu reached back to rub the stiffness that came belatedly, his mind still echoing Lin Zhan's way of addressing him.

His parents usually called him by his full name; when they were in a good mood, they might call him Wuyu. His classmates and friends mostly called him Fish, with variations like Fishy or Study God…

Only Lin Zhan, besides using Wuyu, sometimes called him Little Fish.

Especially when he felt that Lin Wuyu had been wronged.

"Do you have time now?" Lin Zhan said, "Let me treat you to a meal."

"Sure." Lin Wuyu nodded.

"What dishes do you want?" Lin Zhan asked.

"Anything." Lin Wuyu went into the bedroom, changed his clothes, and came out. His phone beeped in his pocket.

It was from Ding Ji.

[Ding Ji] How's it going?

Lin Wuyu quickly tapped on the screen.

[Lin Wuyu] A bit strange. Going for dinner now.

[Ding Ji] Have some drinks! That'll break the ice.

Lin Wuyu smiled and put the phone back in his pocket.

Standing in the elevator with Lin Zhan, there was a peculiar feeling, a distant yet unfamiliar sense of intimacy that made him slightly uncomfortable.

As Lin Zhan stepped out of the elevator, he asked, "Have you told your family about this?"

"No," Lin Wuyu glanced at him, "I didn't say anything before it was confirmed."

"Don't say anything now," Lin Zhan said.

Lin Wuyu didn't say anything, remembering how Lin Zhan referred to their parents as "they" earlier.

Not waiting for his response, Lin Zhan stopped and looked at him. "Don't say anything."

"Okay." Lin Wuyu replied.

Lin Zhan patted his arm.

A black Ford Mustang was parked in the parking lot downstairs. Lin Wuyu suddenly remembered this car; it had been parked by the roadside near the entrance of the community for some time. He had seen it at least three times recently.

"Do you have a license?" Lin Zhan asked as he opened the car door.

"No," Lin Wuyu said.

"Take your time to get one," Lin Zhan got into the car, "You can drive mine whenever you want. I don't drive it much."

"Okay." Lin Wuyu also got into the car.

It was a very ordinary sentence from Lin Zhan, and he couldn't be sure if it was just a casual remark, but Lin Wuyu still felt a slight warmth.

It was different from the warmth brought by various acts of kindness, different from the warmth brought by Ding Ji's loyalty. It was a feeling somewhat similar to what he felt in front of Ding Ji's grandparents.

It was familial affection.

The person saying this was his brother.

"Do you get car sick?" Lin Zhan asked.

"No." Lin Wuyu said.

"That's good," Lin Zhan nodded.

"Why?" Lin Wuyu looked at him.

"My driving isn't very good," Lin Zhan said, "People who get car sick usually have to get off my car and throw up."

"Is that so?" Lin Wuyu chuckled and looked out the window.

"How did you get here to wait for me?" Lin Zhan asked.

"It's… Auntie Yu spotted you, at the subway entrance," Lin Wuyu sighed softly, "She took a photo."

"A candid?" Lin Zhan smiled disdainfully, "Which Auntie Yu?"

"The one who used to take you out to play when you were a kid," Lin Wuyu looked at the small silicone mat on the dashboard, probably for glasses or a phone. Apart from this, there were no other decorations in Lin Zhan's car. Many drivers would have lumbar supports or neck pillows on their seats, but Lin Zhan's car had none of these. If it weren't for the leather cover on the car key, the car's interior looked like it was rented.

"I don't remember," Lin Zhan said calmly.

Lin Wuyu couldn't help but glance at him.

"Do you remember?" Lin Zhan stopped the car at a red light and turned his head.

"I obviously don't," Lin Wuyu said, "She never took me out to play…"

Lin Zhan smiled.

From the moment he saw Lin Zhan, Lin Wuyu had a question he wanted to ask, but he never found the right atmosphere and opportunity.

Why did you leave? Why? Why!

This question that had troubled Lin Wuyu for ten years was now stuck in his throat. No, it was pressing against the tip of his tongue. If he spoke carelessly, it would roar out.

Lin Zhan was driving now, and supposedly not very good at it. Lin Wuyu didn't dare to distract him at this time.

But why did you leave?

Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?

Lin Wuyu leaned against the car window and sighed softly.

---

"Don't keep sighing," his grandpa said, placing the teapot on the coffee table. "Your grandma will scold you again when she hears it."

"I know, kids shouldn't keep sighing, it attracts wandering spirits," Ding Ji said, playing with his phone and sighing again.

"Feeling hungry?" his grandpa asked. "Go to the kitchen and eat something. I can see that the braised pork belly is ready."

"Not hungry. Do you think I'm Lin Wuyu?" Ding Ji said, lighting up his phone. No messages came in. "I'm waiting for a message here."

"What message? From whom?" his grandpa leaned in with interest.

"Lin Wuyu is dealing with something very important right now," Ding Ji said. "I'm waiting for him to tell me if it's done or not."

"Why don't you send a message to ask?" his grandpa suggested.

"Not convenient," Ding Ji said, putting his phone aside, propping his chin, and looking at his grandpa. "Grandpa, have you ever been very worried about a friend?"

"Yes," his grandpa said. "Your Grandpa Liu, when we were working together at the dock, I always worried he'd get beaten up when he got into fights with people."

Ding Ji couldn't help but laugh, nestling into the sofa and laughing for a while. "Why are you like this?"

"Haven't you worried that Pengpeng would get into trouble when he went out to pick fights with people?" his grandpa asked with a smile.

"No," Ding Ji thought for a moment and laughed again. "He's actually quite clever."

"It's your grandma who always says he's stupid," his grandpa said. "She always says Pengpeng is dumb."

Ding Ji laughed so hard tears came to his eyes.

"Don't worry, Little Genius is so smart," Grandpa patted his hand. "No matter what, he's handled everything well over the years. This kid is reliable."

"Yeah," Ding Ji nodded.

"Getting ready for dinner now," Lin Wuyu's message flashed on his phone.

Ding Ji almost hit himself in the face in his haste to read the message.

"How's it going? Is it okay? Did you have a good conversation? What's your impression?" Ding Ji typed quickly.

"Why does it feel like I'm on a blind date with those questions…" came Lin Wuyu's reply.

Ding Ji burst into laughter.

"How's Lin Zhan doing?" he typed.

"He's doing fine. I'll call you after dinner," Lin Wuyu replied.

"Alright."

Ding Ji went over the brief conversation again before setting his phone aside. He jumped up from the sofa and headed into the kitchen. "Braised pork…"

The restaurant Lin Zhan chose was tucked away in an alley, not very big, with just two characters on the signboard: "Lin Jian." The decoration was simple but showed careful design. Dining here wasn't cheap.

Lin Zhan seemed to be a regular, as the waiter led him directly to the innermost private room.

"Take a look at what you want to eat," Lin Zhan said after sitting down.

After flipping through the menu a couple of times, Lin Wuyu hesitated and then stared at it carefully for a dozen times.

"It's a vegetarian restaurant?" he asked, looking up.

"Yeah," Lin Zhan glanced at him. "Do you want to eat meat?"

"…No," Lin Wuyu quickly shook his head. "I was just asking."

"My stomach isn't feeling great recently," Lin Zhan said. "Their dishes taste good. Give it a try."

"You can order, I've never been here," Lin Wuyu said. "I don't know what to choose."

"Alright, I'll order," Lin Zhan closed the menu and set it aside, then directly called out a few dish names to the waiter.

The waiter left the room.

"You…" Lin Wuyu continued the previous topic. "How's your health now?"

"Alright," Lin Zhan said. "Not bad."

"Oh," Lin Wuyu responded, feeling that Lin Zhan wasn't being entirely truthful; his complexion was still somewhat pale, just like when they were kids.

"Top scorer," Lin Zhan smiled at him. "Did you apply to H University?"

"Yeah," Lin Wuyu grasped the cup in front of him. "I should be getting the admission letter in a couple of days."

"Impressive," Lin Zhan said. "When we were kids, I always thought I wasn't very smart."

Lin Wuyu looked at the water in his cup, saying nothing.

There were slight ripples on the water's surface, disappearing quickly because of the small mouth of the cup. Each wave was faster than the last.

It wasn't until Lin Zhan held his hand and Lin Wuyu suddenly realized his hand was trembling.

"What's wrong?" Lin Zhan asked.

"Why?" Lin Wuyu looked up at him. "Why did you leave?"

Lin Zhan paused, withdrew his hand, and remained silent.

"Why did you leave?" Lin Wuyu kept staring at him. He didn't think now was the best time to ask this question, but Lin Zhan's words reminded him of too many unpleasant memories, and these memories became especially vivid because Lin Zhan was right in front of him.

"Why did you leave me alone?" Lin Wuyu's voice was calm, and his speech wasn't fast, but behind every word he uttered lay years of pain that even he might not have fully realized. "You knew they thought you were their only son. You knew in their eyes, you were the most perfect person in the world! You knew I was redundant, I was born because of you! Why did you leave? Why did you abandon me?"

"I was afraid," Lin Zhan said.

"Afraid?" Lin Wuyu stared at him. "You were proud! You were a genius! You were their hope! Afraid? What could you possibly be afraid of?"

The waiter arrived, carrying two plates of dim sum and a pot of fruit tea.

Once the waiter set everything down and left, both Lin Wuyu and Lin Zhan chimed, "Thanks."

Lin Zhan grinned.

As soon as the door shut behind the waiter, Lin Wuyu's urge to chat vanished. He felt a loss of control, which made him uneasy.

He slouched in his chair, staring at his hands, choosing silence.

Lin Zhan mirrored his quietness, and they remained in silence for a while until he suddenly asked, "Ever wake up at night?"

Lin Wuyu pondered the question, unsure of its significance. "Not usually."

"I do," Lin Zhan admitted. "Multiple times. Even now."

Lin Wuyu looked up.

"Every night, it feels like someone's hovering by my bed, watching me," Lin Zhan confessed. "Brushing against my face. Every night, I wake up scared."

"Is it…" Lin Wuyu struggled a bit with this address. He noticed that Lin Zhan avoided mentioning it, "Is it Zhu Li?¹"

"You know, being someone's everything," Lin Zhan didn't give a direct answer; he just gazed at him and softly asked, "What's it like?"

"I'm not sure," Lin Wuyu replied. "I only understand what it feels like to be nothing."

Lin Zhan chuckled and lightly flicked his face with his hand.

Lin Wuyu could sense what Lin Zhan was feeling. Even though he clearly didn't want to say much, like himself, who avoided bringing up the past with others, this feeling… he could almost grasp it.

Maybe.

No, actually, he wasn’t certain.

After all, he was too distant from being someone's "everything."

"I wish I hadn't been a compatible match with you from the start," Lin Zhan said. "I wish I had died before you were born. Then we would both be better off."

Lin Wuyu's heart quivered slightly.

"But you're a little angel," Lin Zhan added thoughtfully. "Even though you're a bit ugly…"

Lin Wuyu paused for a moment before bursting into laughter.

"When I left, I didn't expect to see you again," Lin Zhan continued. "I didn't plan to return or to reenter your life. Even though I left for my own sake, I also wondered if you could be happier without me."

"No," Lin Wuyu replied.

"I can't handle all of this," Lin Zhan admitted. "I'm not a genius, I'm not a prodigy, I'm not very smart. My grades are just average. I'm just an ordinary kid with an ordinary IQ. So, I'm afraid of being watched and scrutinized by them every day, every minute, every second. I've even thought, if one day they find out I'm not as good as they imagine, will I be killed?"

Lin Wuyu looked somewhat surprised.

These things Lin Zhan said, he didn't understand. He never knew the shadow left by his parents' excessive love for Lin Zhan; his memories were more of hearing repeatedly from their mouths how great his brother was, and how useless he was.

"Why did I come to find you?" Lin Zhan took a sip of tea. "There's no particular reason. You've called me big brother for eight years. If that day hadn't happened, or if Ding Ji hadn't left his phone number, I might have just pretended it never happened. But his phone number is right here by my side, and I definitely wanted to know how you're doing now. I couldn't help it."

"I'm doing fine now, I'm on my own," Lin Wuyu said. "I was already… kicked out before the college entrance examination."

"Oh?" Lin Zhan looked at him, then after a moment said, "That's good, don't go back."

"I’m not going back," Lin Wuyu affirmed, then reiterated, "You don't need them to know your situation, nor want to know theirs, right?"

"Yes," Lin Zhan nodded. "Never."

"Understood," Lin Wuyu said.

His phone buzzed in his hand. Ding Ji opened his eyes simultaneously and brought the phone to his face. He only saw a Lin character on the screen, and he answered the phone, "Lin Wuyu?"

"Are you asleep? Your voice sounds a bit groggy," Lin Wuyu's voice came over.

"Just dozed off," Ding Ji replied, feeling his eyes a little dry. He checked the time; it was only ten o'clock. "You finished talking with Lin Zhan?"

"Yeah," Lin Wuyu responded.

"How was it? Did you guys have a good chat?" Ding Ji sat up in bed. "Any tears shed?"

"I haven't seen him in ten years; he left when I was only eight," Lin Wuyu explained. "This reunion didn't reach the level of shedding tears…"

"Was the conversation meaningful?" Ding Ji asked.

"It was alright," Lin Wuyu said. "I finally… understand why he left like that."

There was a sense of relief in his tone. Ding Ji's heart, which had just been barely holding on, also suddenly calmed down. Why Lin Zhan left; this was something Lin Wuyu struggled with for a long time. He knew Lin Wuyu had always wanted to know the reason, no matter how composed he appeared or how indifferent.

"So, why did he leave?" Ding Ji asked softly.

"It's a bit complicated to explain," Lin Wuyu said. "I haven't told you about his illness before. Let's talk about it when you bring the notice over. Anyways… everything's fine."

"Oh," Ding Ji got out of bed, went to the living room to pour a glass of water. "Brothers indeed, wanting to speak yet hesitating, playing hard to get…"

"It's not like chasing after girls," Lin Wuyu laughed, finishing his unfinished sentence. "It's really complicated. I really don't want to talk about these things right now. I just want to chat casually with you."

"Alright, so we won't run out of things to say when I come over later," Ding Ji clicked his tongue. "Let's discuss something else!"

"Do you know where he lives?" Lin Wuyu asked.

"Upstairs from you?" Ding Ji held the cup. "He just came downstairs to knock on your door?"

"It's not that simple," Lin Wuyu smiled. "But it's very close. Just three buildings away from the one I'm renting. Mine is in building 17, his is in building 20."

"That's just two buildings away," Ding Ji remarked casually. "How did you, the nationwide top scorer, manage that?"

"There's also the property management office building in between," Lin Wuyu chuckled. "Why are you so unwilling to accept it?"

"Let's change the subject," Ding Ji hesitated briefly, then abruptly switched topics. He hadn't made up his mind yet, but Lin Wuyu's voice made him decide not to dwell on it further.

"Are you planning to arrive early after receiving the notice?" Lin Wuyu inquired. "Will you stay with me?"

"…Can you stop competing with me for attention?" Ding Ji suddenly felt awkward. "Can't you break this habit of yours? How does hastily answering questions showcase intelligence?"

"You just mocked my top score; I have to fire back," Lin Wuyu quipped.

"Fair enough," Ding Ji sighed. "Let's leave it at that, alright? I'm really bored staying at home. Originally, I wanted to spend more time with my grandparents, but just now, my grandmother asked me why I always hibernate at home and never go out, if I have no one to hang out with. It's annoying to listen to…"

"Why is your grandma like this?" Lin Wuyu chuckled. "She's not cutting you any slack!"

"Just tell me if it's alright or not," Ding Ji urged.

"What's not alright about it?" Lin Wuyu responded. "You get the notice, buy the ticket, and I'll pick you up."